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Paramount is readying direct-to-DVD sequels, we're giving them a hand

Posted Friday, September 19, 2008 at 6:00 PM Central

by John Couture

So, if you've been living under a rock for the last decade, you are probably unaware of a growing ominous trend in movies these days: the direct-to-video sequel. Of course, video has given way to DVD and soon I'm sure we'll have direct-to-Blu-ray movies which is just way too many hyphens.

This scourge of the Earth is being spear-headed by Universal Studios who just can't stop having sex with that stupid pie. At last count, they have served up six slices and there's no sign of them stopping anytime soon. In fact, they just announced Slap Shot 3: The Junior League for release on November 25.

The man who "invented" this phenomenon at Universal is Louis Feola. And yes, you can thank him for the undying dinosaur series The Land Before Time. I guess he never got the memo that dinosaurs are extinct. Feola recently jumped ship to rival Paramount and fellow Viacom shingle MTV talked to Mr. Direct-to-Video himself about his plans for raping, er leveraging Paramount's catalog.

Go ahead and surf over to peruse the story. I'll wait.

Yeah, you just know that the Grease movie is going to be nothing more than a High School Musical knockoff.

The one line that really got us thinking was Feola's admission that only The Godfather and Top Gun were off limits. We can only hope that he was joking. But we'll play along.

We now present our top 10 list of upcoming Paramount direct-to-DVD movies*.

  1. Footlooser - Kevin Bacon reprises his role but this time he's the hip dad with a couple of teenie boppers. The action picks up when the clan moves to Wasilla, Alaska and picks a fight with the local hockey mom who happens to be in line to be the new Vice President.

  2. Tommy Girl - David Spade is back but Tommy's untimely passing leaves his shy, dim-witted daughter the sole heir of the Callahan Auto Parts empire. Rosie O'Donnell takes the lead and torments Spade with her rendition of Fat Woman in a Little Coat.

  3. Sunday Morning Hangover - Disco is dead, but don't tell Tony Manero. He dusts off his old dance moves and mentors a young, strongwilled inner city dancing phenom to the crown of "So You Think You Can Dance."

  4. It's Really a Crappy Life - After a round of binge drinking, Clarence loses his wings and must come down to Earth and save George Bailey's daughter Zuzu from her current path of destruction. Zuzu has turned her trailer into Bedford Falls' hottest meth lab and she turns tricks on the side to feed her festering porn addiction. At a crucial moment, she stares down Henry Potter's grandson over the barrel of a gun and contemplates pulling the trigger before Clarence steps in and saves the day.

  5. Lunch at Tiffany's - Tiffany's is facing a corporate merger with Big Box Department Stores and on the eve of the big announcement, a trio of leather-clad cat burglars break in wearing Audrey Hepburn masks and steal all of the diamonds. Now reformed playgirl-turned-crime investigator Holly Golightly is called in to solve the crime.

  6. Rosemary's Teenager - The Antichrist is going through a difficult period in his life as he tries to find his niche in an increasingly compartmentalized high school scene. His friendships are short-lived though as all who cross his path and wrong him are damned to eternal burning in hell. Roman Polanski directs.

  7. Pretty in Fuscia - Molly Ringwald returns, because really what else is she got going on in her life? This time, Andie is the rich girl having amassed her fortune by designing a sporty, yet functional line of women's undergarments. Duckie still pines for her and she rewards him for his devotion with a job as her secretary. Oh wait, the underwear was from Sixteen Candles, wasn't it? Scratch that...

  8. Ferris Bueller's Night Off - Ferris is back, but this time he's the one with the kids and the nagging wife that won't ever let him have a night out with the "guys." Ferris feigns a late night work marathon to steal some time with Cameron hitting the strip clubs and illegal casinos in Chicago. But with his wife hot on his heels, does Ferris still have the moves to avoid getting caught?

  9. Forrest Gump 2: Bubba's Revenge - A deadly outbreak of nerve toxin has reanimated the dead. Forrect Gump must now take matters into his own hands once again as the people of his past are reanimated as violent zombies seeking Forrest's blood. Does Forrest have enough Gumption to behead all his former friends, including Bubba Blue and his once beloved Jenny?

  10. Titanic 2: Electric Boogaloo - Advances in modern technology have enabled scientists to clone Jack and Rose as their Titanic era selves. After finally revealing the final resting place of "The Heart of the Ocean" necklace, Jack and Rose are given any wish they desire. They decide to time travel back to the past and fulfill their long-desired dream of floating across the Atlantic in the Hindenburg. Sadly, no one thought to tell them the fateful ending of their trip. Can Jack and Rose's love survive another tragic mass transportation disaster?

How did we do? Tell us which ones we missed and if they're good enough we'll include them in a special reader's list of Paramount direct-to-DVD sequels.

* Let's all hope that these are simply just figments of my imagination.